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Write it like it's hot!
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Seems like the topic is more controversial than I was aware of.

For me, it's a personal choice. Meaning, each individuals/couple's personal choice.

I know, I was quite offended by what people felt was necessary and perfectly fine to say to me about my choice to stop at one child.

Mind you, it was not just my decision, also my partner's and it takes "two" to have a child. Meaning, some of that choice was a compromise by me.

In Amy's thread, (it will always be Amy's thread to me) there was talk of populating the planet or not, actual worth of the human beings being put forth into the world, (my loose translation) and even a bit of God thrown in loosely as well.

So since in Misc hoo haa-ness we can only go so far----this is the hot hoo haa-ness.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

go!
 

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Good topic.

I haven't read what's going on in Amy's thread, but I think I get the idea of what you're talking about.

In my opinion, people spend WAY too much time judging others. I think this world would be a MUCH better place if we would learn to focus on OURSELVES, rather than point out what we think is wrong with every one else. It's all about pointing the finger at someone else, rather than our self.

No wonder this world is so screwed up.

Whether you decide not to have kids, or 1 kid, or 5 or 15! Who cares? If you decide to adopt, adopt from a foreign country, adopt out of your race, be gay and adopt, whatever, WHO CARES???

All that SHOULD matter is that the children aren't abused and are well cared for. Isn't that what's important?
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #3
Good topic.

I haven't read what's going on in Amy's thread, but I think I get the idea of what you're talking about.

In my opinion, people spend WAY too much time judging others. I think this world would be a MUCH better place if we would learn to focus on OURSELVES, rather than point out what we think is wrong with every one else. It's all about pointing the finger at someone else, rather than our self.

No wonder this world is so screwed up.

Whether you decide not to have kids, or 1 kid, or 5 or 15! Who cares? If you decide to adopt, adopt from a foreign country, adopt out of your race, be gay and adopt, whatever, WHO CARES???

All that SHOULD matter is that the children aren't abused and are well cared for. Isn't that what's important?
Yes Pete, I totally agree on the judging thing.

It's so easy to judge and focus on others while completely ignoring what can and should be changed, challenged and focused on in one's own life.

The other tricky thing about judging is, what is the judgement based on?

Only what you happen to see and perceive. One never knows everything about what's going on in someone else's life or mind.
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #4
Another thought.

I wonder how many people just still go in for the---- married, now the next step is children?

As in, it's what you're supposed to do as opposed to what is really wanted and thought through.
 

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Good question.

I worked with a woman about 1.5 years ago, who I think did that. Her husband wanted a kid, and she obviously didn't. She'd show us pictures of the kid and all, and always spoke well of him (he was about a year old at the time), but DAILY she'd tell us how she never wanted kids and she'll never have any more.

I feel bad for her son. It's obvious she didn't want him, and while I'm sure she's doing the best she can, she makes it quite obvious she never wanted him. How'd you like to be brought up in that environment?

Not to mention the fact that she was constantly hitting on guys at work, and made passes at 3 guys after getting drunk at our Christmas party.

Ugh.
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #6
Good question.

I worked with a woman about 1.5 years ago, who I think did that. Her husband wanted a kid, and she obviously didn't. She'd show us pictures of the kid and all, and always spoke well of him (he was about a year old at the time), but DAILY she'd tell us how she never wanted kids and she'll never have any more.

I feel bad for her son. It's obvious she didn't want him, and while I'm sure she's doing the best she can, she makes it quite obvious she never wanted him. How'd you like to be brought up in that environment?

Not to mention the fact that she was constantly hitting on guys at work, and made passes at 3 guys after getting drunk at our Christmas party.

Ugh.
Ah see, that is why I didn't push for another child when my son's father said no. Raising children is hard enough without throwing in resentment for the time and attention you have to invest.

Being a parent is a full time job on top of whatever else is also on your plate.

I have so much respect for whatever decision a person comes to when they have actually thought it all the way through.

OT-- sounds like your co-worker got married without much thought as well. People are so fascinating.
 

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I have so much respect for whatever decision a person comes to when they have actually thought it all the way through.
Good point. I have a TON Of respect for people who really put the thought into their decisions with parenting, and actually back those decisions up with doing everything they can to provide for their children.

I don't see the point of judging someone for having just 1 child. Why put strain on a family by having more children just because someone else thinks you should?

At the same time, I'm FASCINATED by these super huge families on the TLC shows. For instance, the Duggar family who just had their 18th child. I know a lot of people judge them and think they are insane. But you know what? They make it work!

Whether you have no children, 1 child, or 20. Who cares. As long as you do everything you possibly can to give those children a healthy, happy, normal life?
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #8
At the same time, I'm FASCINATED by these super huge families on the TLC shows. For instance, the Duggar family who just had their 18th child. I know a lot of people judge them and think they are insane. But you know what? They make it work!
As a woman, I can not imagine being pregnant for as many years as she has. They seem happy, sincerely happy and I can not knock that.

I am also sure that every one of their kids has a full grasp of having to work for what you want as they all have to do their part to keep the family running.
 

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I agree with most everything said here.

I try not to judge those that have many kids, and its not so much that I judge them, but my parents are foster parents so I see the great number of children that are in the system. I am also an environmentally minded person (environmental science major...with a degree now :D). So when I see huge families, I get a little upset that we have now gone further than replacing ourselves and have increased the population unneccessarily. We have also ignored all of the children sitting in foster care, or group homes, or whatever the case may be, that really need a loving home. I see it from both sides really...I understand that other people should not tell you what to do with your body and how many kids you should have. I respect the choice of people like the Duggars, but I also look at the future of our planet and the lives of children in the adoption/foster care system and it makes me a little angry.

I also find it so fascinating that when people get married, they are expected to have children. I was in CA for Christmas, meeting some of my then-boyfriend-now-fiancé's family :)D) and we were talking to his cousin. She is I think 4 or 5 years older than us and has been married for a few years. She said that when she first got married, no one cared. But in the past 6 months, people are asking her non-stop about when she's having kids. I've talked to other people about this too. People don't ask if you are having any, they ask WHEN you're having them. It puts a lot of pressure on anyone. I know his cousin was feeling it. She doesn't want kids right now, but will in the future. But its just the fact of being asked all the time.
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #10
Good to hear from you.:)

It is amazing to me that people are still doing the: When are you getting married, followed by the sequel of, When are you having kids, thing.
:confused:
 

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I always wanted children. I never really thought of the up at 3 to change a diaper, spit-up, CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW!,Is your homework done? don't do drugs, call when you get there, drivers ed, don't go there by yourself, pee in pairs, don't trust anyone, be a trustworthy person, don't play in the street, not going away for the weekend with just the hubby, birthday parties with 20 screaming brats & yours is the loudest, college tuition, birth defects, febrile seizures, holding your child still while the er dr stitches her head up. I wouldn't change a thing, well maybe no tickle parties while she stands on the bed. Some people are better at parenting than others but who really knows until they are a parent? I wanted at least 3 kids. God only let me have one. People would ask when are you having more. Why? is one not enough? Who knows, maybe this one will find the cure for cancer. Or maybe she'll save someones life just by being there at the right time. I'm sorry I rambled. It's a personal decision only you can answer yourself. Why do you have to go thru so much to adopt? I can see not wanting to harm the child by putting it in a bad home but really, how many homes are perfect? And what IS perfect?
 

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Good-bye Curby...
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My sig other and I do not have, and will not have, children. Neither of us wants the responsibility, the complete drain on our finances, the time investment and the loss of our own selves and time as we parent another human being for the next 18+ years. We are both very responsible people and know we do not want to be parents and that's that for us.

Where Mike (my boyfriend) and I differ is this: he doesn't get why anyone would want to have kids, whereas I do. I genuinely do see the appeal for most people. I see the joy that most people get from raising children. I know people have kids for a variety of reasons - getting your gene pool out there, the need to take care of someone else, the urge to start your own family, etc. I am completely fine with anyone having kids, as long as they have the time and resources to do so. What I don't get are the people who are so casual about it. "We didn't want kids, but oops we did, so I guess we'll have it." What is THAT about? It's not like getting a cat, this is something that will change your entire life for at least 18 years.

I think people should have as many kids as they want, within reason. If you can take care of all of them and not be a drain on society, feel free. But I really don't think a lot of people think about the real reasons they want to become a parent. I think so many people just think "hey, that's what you do!" and just crank a few out without really considering if that's what they want.

I spent a long time thinking about it and though everyone tells me either "It's different when they're your own" or "I didn't want kids when I was your age, but then I did and it's the greatest..." or "Well my sister/mom/neighbor/dog groomer didn't want them either, but then she accidentally got pregnant and now has the most amazing child...." I still do not want them. I don't have any interest in being a mother. Part of that reason is that women end up doing most of the work when it comes to child rearing, and I know that would be true in my case. I value my free time and my finances and those would be GONE if I had a kid. I just don't see men put in the same effort towards child rearing and I don't want to deal with that.

The ONLY thing I think that will bother me is that my family tree ends here. I am a huge family person, so that's kind-of hard for me to not want kids. I love my family and my extended family, but with my decision, this branch of the family tree is done. I know my parents would love to be grandparents, but it's just not going to happen.
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #13
Perfect is a lot like normal.;)

No one is perfect and there is no normal.

I do believe there are people who are perfect for each other and we all have our own version of what normal is for us.

My pregnancy was very planned. Seriously, right down to the months I would try to get pregnant so that I was giving birth in the couple of months I wanted to.

People laughed but I did it.:eek:

Even though I read everything, was 100% into it and had given so much thought to it----it was still overwhelming and I found myself wondering how women who found themselves alone and suddenly raising a surprise survived.
 

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Good-bye Curby...
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In my opinion, people spend WAY too much time judging others. I think this world would be a MUCH better place if we would learn to focus on OURSELVES, rather than point out what we think is wrong with every one else. It's all about pointing the finger at someone else, rather than our self.

All that SHOULD matter is that the children aren't abused and are well cared for. Isn't that what's important?
I agree 100%. People are always so concerned with what everyone else is doing. How about you focus on your own business?

Another thought.

I wonder how many people just still go in for the---- married, now the next step is children?

As in, it's what you're supposed to do as opposed to what is really wanted and thought through.
I think that a lot of people take that course in life because it's just what you're supposed to do. Grow up, go to school, college, get a job, get married, have some kids...blah blah blah. Did they ever stop to think about what they WANTED out of life?

I worked with a woman about 1.5 years ago, who I think did that. Her husband wanted a kid, and she obviously didn't. She'd show us pictures of the kid and all, and always spoke well of him (he was about a year old at the time), but DAILY she'd tell us how she never wanted kids and she'll never have any more.

I feel bad for her son. It's obvious she didn't want him, and while I'm sure she's doing the best she can, she makes it quite obvious she never wanted him. How'd you like to be brought up in that environment?
I think this is more common than we realize. I think a lot of people have kids 'cause it's just the thing to do, or the spouse wants them, or they think they'll want them eventually or they're married and bored and think it will fill a gap in their marriage. Few people will admit to that though. I'm not saying these people don't love their kids, but I'd be willing to bet a lot of people didn't want to have kids initially.

At the same time, I'm FASCINATED by these super huge families on the TLC shows. For instance, the Duggar family who just had their 18th child. I know a lot of people judge them and think they are insane. But you know what? They make it work!
That family freaks me out. I can't imagine cranking out 18 kids 'cause the Lord tells you that's what you should do. It creeps me out. No one needs 18 kids. At least they're not on welfare.

I always wanted children. I never really thought of the up at 3 to change a diaper, spit-up, CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW!,Is your homework done? don't do drugs, call when you get there, drivers ed, don't go there by yourself, pee in pairs, don't trust anyone, be a trustworthy person, don't play in the street, not going away for the weekend with just the hubby, birthday parties with 20 screaming brats & yours is the loudest, college tuition, birth defects, febrile seizures, holding your child still while the er dr stitches her head up. I wouldn't change a thing, well maybe no tickle parties while she stands on the bed. Some people are better at parenting than others but who really knows until they are a parent? I wanted at least 3 kids. God only let me have one. People would ask when are you having more. Why? is one not enough? Who knows, maybe this one will find the cure for cancer. Or maybe she'll save someones life just by being there at the right time. I'm sorry I rambled. It's a personal decision only you can answer yourself. Why do you have to go thru so much to adopt? I can see not wanting to harm the child by putting it in a bad home but really, how many homes are perfect? And what IS perfect?
I like your response a lot Ellen. Very down to earth. ;)
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #15
My sig other and I do not have, and will not have, children. Neither of us wants the responsibility, the complete drain on our finances, the time investment and the loss of our own selves and time as we parent another human being for the next 18+ years. We are both very responsible people and know we do not want to be parents and that's that for us.

Where Mike (my boyfriend) and I differ is this: he doesn't get why anyone would want to have kids, whereas I do. I genuinely do see the appeal for most people. I see the joy that most people get from raising children. I know people have kids for a variety of reasons - getting your gene pool out there, the need to take care of someone else, the urge to start your own family, etc. I am completely fine with anyone having kids, as long as they have the time and resources to do so. What I don't get are the people who are so casual about it. "We didn't want kids, but oops we did, so I guess we'll have it." What is THAT about? It's not like getting a cat, this is something that will change your entire life for at least 18 years.

I think people should have as many kids as they want, within reason. If you can take care of all of them and not be a drain on society, feel free. But I really don't think a lot of people think about the real reasons they want to become a parent. I think so many people just think "hey, that's what you do!" and just crank a few out without really considering if that's what they want.

I spent a long time thinking about it and though everyone tells me either "It's different when they're your own" or "I didn't want kids when I was your age, but then I did and it's the greatest..." or "Well my sister/mom/neighbor/dog groomer didn't want them either, but then she accidentally got pregnant and now has the most amazing child...." I still do not want them. I don't have any interest in being a mother. Part of that reason is that women end up doing most of the work when it comes to child rearing, and I know that would be true in my case. I value my free time and my finances and those would be GONE if I had a kid. I just don't see men put in the same effort towards child rearing and I don't want to deal with that.

The ONLY thing I think that will bother me is that my family tree ends here. I am a huge family person, so that's kind-of hard for me to not want kids. I love my family and my extended family, but with my decision, this branch of the family tree is done. I know my parents would love to be grandparents, but it's just not going to happen.
Who can argue with that? You have thought it through and are doing what you feel is right for you.

A lot of people put more thought into buying a new car than they do to bringing a person into the world.
 

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<-----No More Beetle :(
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I do have lots more to say on this subject and I will do so later when I have lots more time to type because it's important stuff and I want to make sure I get my point across the way I want to but I do want to address one thing right now.

I don't know how much I agree with the "Oops" being such a bad thing. It is when it's a teenager who can't even take care of themselves or a single mother who just keeps having them because she can't be bothered with birth control or even abstinence and figures the government will take care of them.

It's not necessarily always a bad thing when an oops happens. I believe that sometimes when that happens it's natures way of telling someone "You THOUGHT you didn't want one but you were wrong."
As I had said before, I was an "Oops". My mother was adamant about not wanting children. She was the kind of person who would say on the spur of the moment to my father "Let's go to Florida!" and within an hour or so they would be in the car on their way. She was a very spontaneous person and knew children would put a damper on that. My best friends mom used to tell me all the time about how she found out my mom was pregnant. She said "I ran into your mom at the beauty parlor one day and she said "GUESS WHO'S PREGNANT!" and I started rattling off names and she finally said "No! I am!" and she had this sparkle in her eye and she was so excited and I just never thought in a million years it was her because always said she didn't want to have children. And then when you came along she thought the sun rose and set on you. You were her little princess and she took such good care of you. You were always so neat and clean and dressed in the prettiest clothes. She treated you like gold" So, long story short :p In the eyes of this Oops ;), it's not such a bad thing. Everything happens for a reason.
 

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Good-bye Curby...
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Oh, I don't think the oops thing is always a bad thing. A lot of people were oops kids and have had them. Sometimes the entire family of kids are oops kids. Nothing wrong with that. I guess I'm always surprised how common it is. In my mind, it's really easy to NOT get pregnant, so I guess when I hear all these people say "we accidentally got pregnant" to me, it really means they weren't being careful.

Amy, that's a really lovely story about your mom. :) Thanks for sharing it. I do look forward to reading everyone's opinions on the subject - very interesting topic.
 

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I will gently step in.
I don't want kids. My wife, who works with kids every day, and is IMHO, one of the best adults I have ever seen with kids, does not want to have kids.

We both think there is enough kids in the world, that aren't taken care of, that need adopting, or simply being better taken care of, that resources we would otherwise spend on kids ourselves, we spend on that.

I think, that even if there was a moratorium on kids, the planet would not lose the human race for some time. IMO.

I also think, if you are going to have kids, you need to be licensed, as in, you need to know fully what you are getting into. So many young people have kids with little foreknowledge of what is to come.

I will stop there for now. Good thread, Dawn.
 

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Write it like it's hot!
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Discussion Starter #19
I will gently step in.
I don't want kids. My wife, who works with kids every day, and is IMHO, one of the best adults I have ever seen with kids, does not want to have kids.

We both think there is enough kids in the world, that aren't taken care of, that need adopting, or simply being better taken care of, that resources we would otherwise spend on kids ourselves, we spend on that.

I think, that even if there was a moratorium on kids, the planet would not lose the human race for some time. IMO.

I also think, if you are going to have kids, you need to be licensed, as in, you need to know fully what you are getting into. So many young people have kids with little foreknowledge of what is to come.

I will stop there for now. Good thread, Dawn.
This is hot hoo haa------ why so gentle?;)

While we would not deplete the planet of people, would it somehow set it off balance?

What point do we start procreating again for the vitality, creativity and energy needed for so many things is depleted?
 

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In my mind, it's really easy to NOT get pregnant, so I guess when I hear all these people say "we accidentally got pregnant" to me, it really means they weren't being careful.
Not necessarily true. Birth control doesn't always work, so unless you are refering to "abstinence", then yes, accidentally getting pregnant doesn't always mean being careless.

It is funny though, because both me and my wife were squarely on the "no kids" side of the fence. We were happy as it was, and didn't feel the need to add a kid into the mix. But, then we accidentally got pregnant, and was very much looking forward to having a child. That wasn't meant to be, but we were still looking forward to having a child, so we tried again...
 
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