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Discussion Starter #1
9/10/08

The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child

Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.

Creation

In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.

Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.

Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.

Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.

Noah

The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph

Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.

Moses

Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.

Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.

Joshua

Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David

David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.

Solomon

One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.

Jonah and Other Prophets

After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.

There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.

The New Testament

When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."

Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.

Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.

Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.

 

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:ha:

Good stuff! :goodjob:
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
The Pope Wants to Drive

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

 

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Discussion Starter #5
Hymns for People Over 50


Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car

Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One

Blessed Insurance

It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

 

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Discussion Starter #6
Jesus Was What??

It's natural for us to think of Jesus as being like us. And there are compelling reasons for us to do so. Here are some good ones:
Jesus was Italian:

He had wine with His meals.

He used olive oil.

He talked with His hands.
Jesus was Black:

He liked Gospel.

He called everyone brother.

He couldn't get a fair trial.
Jesus was Jewish:

He lived at home until he was 33 years old.

He went into His father's business.

He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
Jesus was Irish:

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

He never got married.
Jesus was a Californian:

He walked around bare footed.

He never cut His hair.

He started a new religion.
Jesus was a woman:

He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of guys who just didn't get it.

He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

Even after He died, He had to get up because there was work to do.

 

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Jesus Was What??

It's natural for us to think of Jesus as being like us. And there are compelling reasons for us to do so. Here are some good ones:
Jesus was Italian:

He had wine with His meals.

He used olive oil.

He talked with His hands.
Jesus was Black:

He liked Gospel.

He called everyone brother.

He couldn't get a fair trial.
Jesus was Jewish:

He lived at home until he was 33 years old.

He went into His father's business.

He was sure His mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
Jesus was Irish:

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

He never got married.
Jesus was a Californian:

He walked around bare footed.

He never cut His hair.

He started a new religion.
Jesus was a woman:

He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of guys who just didn't get it.

He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

Even after He died, He had to get up because there was work to do.

That one, I liked. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #8
9/13/08
 

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Discussion Starter #9
September 2008
 

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Discussion Starter #10
What's Your Religion

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"


"Why shouldn't I?" he said.


I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"


"Like what?"


"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"


"Religious."


"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"


"Christian."


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"


"Protestant."


"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"


"Baptist."


"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"


"Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God."


"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"


"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"


To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Author is Unknown

 

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Discussion Starter #11
Satan-In-Law

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early
and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.


Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"


"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.


Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"


This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"


Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"


The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."
Author is Unknown

 
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