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Just because!
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I found this via my favorite radio talkshow, TheBJ Shea Experience. Even as much as I hate to admit it, I have been a victim of unreported female abuse. (Long story that I don't feel like sharing here) Needless to say, it opened my eyes up to a real problem in society, and that is that women commit domestic violence just like men, maybe not quite as often, but enough to cause concern.
"In about half the cases of mutual battering, women were the instigators--the ones who slapped, slugged or swung weapons first.
One significant example is the recent emergence of literature suggesting that women are as much perpetrators of domestic violence as men, and men are as much victims of domestic violence as women.
The biggest problem is that when men are victims of female violence, it usually does not get reported. Why?
Men who experience female violence may be unwilling to report their assault because of shame and tensions with their ideas of masculinity, or police may laugh at a man reporting female violence because `no real man would let his wife hit him'.


Does anyone else think that it's time for men to start reporting all abuse? :confused:


What about the term "rapist" always being associated with men as the perpetrator? There has been several high profile instances of women rapists in the news lately. Does the name Mary Kay Letourneau ring a bell?


Source: The myth of male violence?
 

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Good-bye Curby...
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jdesigns said:
Does anyone else think that it's time for men to start reporting all abuse? :confused:
absolutely!

justin, i am so sorry to hear you were the victim of abuse. while it may be true that the majority of abuse is instigated by men (or has been), any abuse should be reported, no matter who started it.

again, i am sorry to hear this happened to you. :(
 

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<-----No More Beetle :(
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I agree Justin. I would think though that it would be hard for anyone to gather any real info and statistics on this just because there are so many men who havent reported being abused by their spouses!

I dont think any man should be ashamed of it. Its the same thing us women are told if we are being abused "It's not your fault!!" Speak up!
People are always saying its so wrong for a man to hit a woman. Well so is it wrong for a woman to hit a man!! There can be no double standards when it comes to this! Noone should hit anyone...especially if you supposedly love them!
I understand how a man could think that if he admitted to being abused by his wife that it may compromise his masculinity in the eyes of other people, but in my opinion it is only continuing because he hasnt struck back and theres alot to be said for that! Its commendable! The instinct that some people would have would be to physically defend themself with the same type of abuse that is being placed upon them. Just like a physically and mentally abusive man, a women who does the same thing needs help and needs to be stopped.
 

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I can say, that as a victim of a woman who...crap. It's still not easy to write about, even on the net. Let's just say, about 16 years ago, a woman handcuffed me to a bumper, and did some things that if I had done the same things to a woman, would be considered rape.

For once, I'm not kidding. And no, the relationship did not last after that.


So, yeah, I can say that it happens, and that it should be reported more, but you know, it's not easy to do.




(okay, that was more sharing that I think I should do...I'll go away now...)
 

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Good-bye Curby...
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PhoenixRising said:
I can say, that as a victim of a woman who...crap. It's still not easy to write about, even on the net.
\

tj, i am so sorry to hear that. :( it always saddens me when anyone is taken advantage of, for any reason - physically or emotionally. i guess i had no idea that this happened to men, or rather, how often it might be. best to always speak up and get help...no matter who's doing the abusing!
 

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<-----No More Beetle :(
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I'm sure it took alot for you to post that TJ! I have tons more respect than I had for you before! (and I had alot) {{{HUGS}}}
 

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Well if I can chime in. I too was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I was told that if I reported it i would be killed. And god forbid I should defend myself because she would have called the cops and had ME arrested.
For the bulk of my life I was raised to NEVER raise a hand to a woman. That was until I had some ribs and my spine broken in 96. It's on now..if a woman raises her hand to me, you can bet that I will be laying the smack down! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE has the right to raise a hand to another person in a relationship regardless of gender.

I know you guys get tired of me talking about my job in the ER, but there are way more battered men coming in than women nowadays!

And here's something to chew on for a while...As long as there are these ancient old men and women running this country nothing is going to change! The laws for spousal abuse and child support, alamony...None of it.
Oh, I bet if this crap happend to the son of an ellected official then things may change!:mad:
 

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ccain529 said:
Well if I can chime in. I too was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. I was told that if I reported it i would be killed. And god forbid I should defend myself because she would have called the cops and had ME arrested.
For the bulk of my life I was raised to NEVER raise a hand to a woman. That was until I had some ribs and my spine broken in 96. It's on now..if a woman raises her hand to me, you can bet that I will be laying the smack down! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE has the right to raise a hand to another person in a relationship regardless of gender.

I know you guys get tired of me talking about my job in the ER, but there are way more battered men coming in than women nowadays!

And here's something to chew on for a while...As long as there are these ancient old men and women running this country nothing is going to change! The laws for spousal abuse and child support, alamony...None of it.
Oh, I bet if this crap happend to the son of an ellected official then things may change!:mad:
:kiss:
 

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My take...for what it's worth

I think anybody hitting anyone for any reason is wrong. Yes, there are women who abuse their partners and they should be given the same punishment as men who do so. It's wrong either way.

But there are other factors here to consider:

First, in most relationships, if a woman is the batterer, the man does have the physical ability to protect himself. I know that if I decided to batter my husband, he could protect himself with one hand. Seriously, I would probably have to attack him in his sleep to get a punch in. He's bigger, stronger, and when we have been goofing off, he can simply put his hand out in front of him and block me from getting close enough to tickle him. With that one hand, he can place it on my chest and not only keep me from getting closer to him but back me up to a wall and keep me pinned there. If he was a batterer, I would be toast because he could hold me there with one hand and punch me with the other and I would have no defense. Most women do not have that type of physical domination over a man. It places women in a far more vulnerable situation.

Likewise, in most relationships, unless a woman is using a weapon, she might be able to hit or slap but, rarely, does she have the strength to break bones, knock out teeth, etc.

As a social worker, I have worked with women who have looked like something out of a war zone after a session of battering. One woman was in the hospital with several missing teeth and she almost lost her eye because her cheekbones and the orbital bones around the eye were so smashed that bone shards had penetrated her eye. The man used no weapons, no clubs, nothing but his fists. Seriously, how many women could do that type of damage?

When we were younger, my husband and I used to rough-house a bit. We're both ticklish and it would be fun to try to tickle each other. Believe me, it only took one rough-housing tickling session for me to realize that I was truly powerless against him. And this is back in the day when I was in great physical condition, ran 4-5 miles daily, and lifted weights on a regular basis. I was buff! And I was still powerless.

Second, it is only fairly recently in our history where women had a fairly level playing field when it comes to economic independence. But, even today, many women find themselves dependant on a man for economic security due to the decisions they have made. Possibly they are a state-at-home mom with limited job opportunities to support themselves and their children without a man's support? I have worked with these women in previous social work jobs. They feel trapped due to their inability to provide for their children if they leave the relationship. Men usually don't have the same dilemma. This also puts women in a more vulnerable position, more often than not.

Are these things absolute? Of course not. But it does usually mean that women in abusive relationships often have less options and less ability to protect themselves.

Just my 2 bits!

And I'm very sorry for any of you men who have experienced these situations. I think it's wrong for a man to hit a woman but, if you're in a situation where you are doing it for self-defense, all bets are off. Unfortunately, yes, in the current climate, this would also mean you'd be the one to go to jail. Bummer.

ETA: It's also only fairly recently in our history where the concept of the man battering the woman has been almost universally condemned. Even when I was a child, a man hitting his wife didn't have the stigma it does today. I vividly remember seeing women in my neighborhood with black eyes. Nobody talked about it. I'm sure the other women provided her comfort. But it was known that the husband did it and nothing was done to protect women in these situations. Women were advised to act in ways that wouldn't cause their husband to hit them....thus, placing the blame on the woman. In fact, the term "rule of thumb" is literally based on an old English law that allowed a man to beat his wife and children with a stick as long as it wasn't any bigger around than his thumb. This was often used as a sort of de facto standard here in the US until domestic violence laws started to be implemented to take the place of the "rule of thumb".

And, for those of you who are younger, I'm really convinced that people don't realize how monumental the changes in our society have been over the last few decades. I graduated from high school in 1976. During my senior year, I worked at a Kentucky Fried Chicken. I wanted to work in the back cooking the chicken because it paid 50 cents more per hour. I made $2.15/hour, IIRC, so a 50 cent raise would be significant! Yet only boys were allowed to cook and only girls worked the counter for the lesser wage. There was no recourse. I remember applying for jobs at other places that paid more to be told, in no uncertain terms, that I was applying for jobs that were reserved for guys. I would be directed to apply for a different job that paid less. The term "pin money" was used quite a bit, as in "women should be paid less because they're usually just working for pin money anyway." What the heck?

When I graduated, most girls who went onto college were suspected of going just to get an MRS degree. Of course, there were a few achievers who people thought were going for educational purposes but this was not the norm; they were exceptions. It was becoming passe even then...an attitude that wasn't yet gone but was wavering...because fewer of us thought that way, although some still did. But most of our parents sure did!

Times have changed significantly in 30 years, haven't they? Sometimes we forget that. And I think younger folks who didn't live in those times, often don't really realize how much things have changed in such a short time.
 

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funkycamper said:
Likewise, in most relationships, unless a woman is using a weapon, she might be able to hit or slap but, rarely, does she have the strength to break bones, knock out teeth, etc.
I'll have to disagree with you on that statement.
. The woman is not necessarily the small, demure little creature in all relationships. Yes, your husband may be bigger than you but thats not always the case. Also, a woman doesnt have to be bigger than her spouse to overcome him...sometimes the small wiry woman is harder to pin down and stop from hurting someone than the larger, more muscular woman.

I think if a woman is putting her hands on her spouse I think he should be able to defend himself without having to worry about getting thrown in jail. Thats most probably why stuff like this happens to the man. Who's going to believe his wife beat him up? I'm sure if he so much as held her arms down, if shes crazy enough to beat on him she's crazy enough to say he's the one who started it.
Why does the man have to suffer just because his wife or girlfriend is a raving lunatic? The woman is not always right. We live in a time where women want to be equal to men but they dont want the responsibility that goes along with it. They want to be treated as equals but only when it suits them. (Listen to me talking like im not a woman :p ) I guess what I'm trying to say is in cases of domestic violence more investigation needs to be done rather than The woman saying "He hit me!!" and the man saying " I didnt hit her I was just trying to keep her from hitting me!" and then the man gets carted off to jail. Its bull!
All a woman has to do in a situation like that is cry some big crocodile tears and its a night in jail for her spouse. I may be a woman be there are alot of times that I'm quite ashamed of the other members of my gender.
 

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Did you even read my post?

Even in my statement that you quoted, I used the term "most". I never said all, and all the time. In fact, throughout my post, I was very careful to use terms that would indicate that none of this is absolute but, rather, just based on the more common situations.

And I very clearly said that it is wrong if a woman batters, and that nobody should ever batter anybody else.

The reason why I gave the historical perspective is that this is all so new. Gosh, women's rights and the empowerment of women in the job market and in personal relationship is newer than civil rights for people of color!! Is it any wonder that, as a society, we're still feeling our way through this fundamental change, this huge paradigm shift?

No, it should never be considered the norm to arrest the man if police are called to a domestic violence situation. Each individual situation should be carefully evaluated to deermine just who the perpetrator was. However, you have to realize that it wasn't that long ago that even if police were called to a home where violence was occuring, that the normal procedure was to tell the man to go for a walk and calm down. Then for the police to lecture the woman on keeping her mouth closed so her husband didn't hit her. What the heck? Do you realize how often the man returned after the police left the scene to abuse his wife even worse than he was doing prior to the call to teach her a lesson? And, statistically, at the time most spousal murders occurred after the police left. Because of this, laws were changed requiring an arrest when police are called to a home.

There does need to be a more balanced approach. I agree and I feel sorry for men who are battered and for men who are attached with the stigma of being a batterer due to an arrest in a DV situation when they were, in fact, the victim. When a pendulum swings, it usually swings too far one way before coming back to a more balanced position. I think, as a society, we have seen the pendulum swing and that it is slowly going to return to a more balanced, fair position. We're just not there yet.

Also, verbal abuse can be just as destructive, albeit in a far different way, than physical abuse. That's something DV laws don't even touch on.
 

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Funkycamper,I should have clarified my comment on what you wrote. My 1st paragraph was commenting on your quote. Thats all...the second was just full of some more of my own random thoughts. I wasnt trying to say that you thought a man beating a woman is worse than a woman beating a man.
That particular sentence just stuck out at me. I took it a certain way and I'm sorry if I took it the wrong way.
 

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No problem.

I wasn't upset. I just thought maybe you didn't read my post all the way through OR that maybe I hadn't made myself clear.

I find this a touchy topic. As a social worker, I was involved in these situations a lot. Damage is done to all parties by these behaviors. And if there are children or other close family members in the mix, the hurt spreads and grows exponentially. It's tragic no matter who does what to who.
 

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TDi GO!
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funkycamper said:
I wasn't upset. I just thought maybe you didn't read my post all the way through OR that maybe I hadn't made myself clear.

I find this a touchy topic. As a social worker, I was involved in these situations a lot. Damage is done to all parties by these behaviors. And if there are children or other close family members in the mix, the hurt spreads and grows exponentially. It's tragic no matter who does what to who.
And if the kids see it, they only learn that it is how "normal" families work, so they are far more likely to be abusive...:( I have seen far too much of this sort of behavior myself, one of the reasons I got out of the field and into admin work with our agency.

I have been fortunate to never be in a physically abusive relationship, but I spent about a year and a half with an emotionally abusive woman. It took ALOT to get away from her, I was 25 and she was 35...boy she had some issues. It is so much nicer being in a healthy, sharing and caring relationship, like I am lucky enough to be now. :)
 

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You betcha! It is amazing what some people consider normal, isn't it? My heart aches for people in destructive relationships.
 
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